Coming out of the closet...

So, I am making plans this year to attend not only The World Science Festival in NYC, but going down to Washington for the Reason Rally - the largest gathering of atheists, humanists, freethinkers and secularists in North America. They had the last one in 2012....and this time, I'm in. Such a strange thing for me to be contemplating a part in. Why on earth am I going to a *science festival* of all things...and The Reason Rally?? How the hell did I end up here?

Until recently, if you asked me about my faith I likely would have told you that I identified as pagan. To some extent I still do, in the way that I view the natural world as sacred and the closest that I ever feel to something you could call deity is when I'm out in my garden with my hands in the soil. After all, pagan merely means "of the country". However, if you ask me if I really believe in a personal deity, something in a physical form who watches over my well-being...the answer to that would have to be no. Do I still feel that sense of "oneness" (for lack of a better term) with the world? Of course, since everything comes from the same place and our DNA links us to everything that lives. Not to mention that when you look out into the vastness of space and think about how much bigger it than you can see, puts our little blue ball into perspective. Do I still honour things like Imbolc (Brighid's day)? Sure, there is nothing wrong with ritual and what's not to like about a night that involves reading poetry by candlelight and having a moment of reflection? I can still relate to the image of the Celtic goddess of fire, poetry and inspiration as just that. Inspiration, culture, heritage. It doesn't need to have any basis in religion to be a really nice experience each year in the winter. Keeping a little piece of some of those ancient rites makes you think about the long line of occurrences that led to you even existing in the first place, wondering about those distant unnamed ancestors that prayed to Gods whose names may even have been forgotten in the annals of time. I can sense the wonder and beauty of the world, nature, and the universe which in the past that I have viewed as deity just as I have before. But gradually, over the years I have come to realize the beauty and majesty of the world stands quite nicely...all on its own.

When exactly did this happen? I'm not exactly sure when I was young if I had ever heard of anything outside of traditional religion. But, truth be told, I've been on this path my entire life. I just didn't realize it and, until recently, I never felt comfortable admitting it I suppose. Calling it other things was easier and involved less explanation. I gave church a try. Several actually, for years. I grew up Baptist in a really Conservative area. This is a Tory town with a heavy Presbyterian bent to it. I've got mostly Anglicans and Church of England fore bearers as far as the eye can see. I read the Bible, went to teen Bible classes for a little bit, helped out in the Sunday school, but I never felt that "connection" that all the religious people talk about. I always felt there was something wrong with me that church did nothing for me. Everyone tells you that it's supposed to after all, but the only thing I got out of it was the thought that the music was nice. Eventually I faded away from churchgoing and more involved with other things. But everyone tells you that there's this missing part of your life that religion is supposed to fill. I read a lot, I listened to what the Jehovah's Witnesses had to say (crackpots), listened to what the Mormons had to say - even went to a Fireside once (also crackpots). (Side note: You know what I'm most surprised about the Mormons though? With all those Osmonds...I really expected the hymns to be better. They have an odd chord structure that I found a little hard to follow.) But nothing ever made an impact on me, although I never would have admitted that to anyone but my closest of friends. I also would never have put a name to it, much easier to avoid the topic and think or talk about something else. Anything else.

Thinking back, I think I can trace the moment I started thinking about this religion (or lack thereof) to hearing XTC's song "Dear God" for the first time. My jaw almost hit the ground the first time I heard it and I jabbed my headphones on and looked around to make sure I hadn't been caught...like some teenage boy with his first Playboy. I had no idea that such things existed like that or that people not only talked about it...but wrote songs about it. I'd heard lots of music about anti-war and anti-poverty folk music, lots of rock music with people angry about politics, cops, society...but I'd never heard anything anti-religion until that moment. It was the 80s and it changed the way I heard and viewed music going forward in my life, but before I could think too much about that anti-religion message, something happened that shook my foundations and lasted for quite some time.

The summer that I was 19, a friend and I went boating on the Green River. It's not an overly deep river and around their house, the water was always calm. We'd swum across it all the time and gone canoeing, every summer since we were 16. But this was the first time we took out the small motorboat. It was also the first time I had been with her that we went down the other branch of the river instead of out to the lake. Naturally, we had lifejackets in the boat but not on. I mean, we'd never needed them before so why start now? Turns out there's something about that I didn't know about that part of the river. There's a dam. Not a big one and it's generally only a small current. Except there'd been a lot of rain lately, and as we rounded the bend I noticed the current picking up a little bit, looked up and saw a small sign nailed to a tree.

"DAM OPEN"

Now, I don't know if you've ever been in a 1HP boat trapped in the current of an open dam. I'm not all that sure that I would recommend it. For the record, it doesn't do you one damned bit of good. Once the current has the boat, it's game over. I remember her, in the back of the boat, grabbing onto the bridge as the boat swung her around close to it and her getting pulled out of the boat. And then I remember having to make a fast decision. Now, I've taken sailing lessons before this and the talks about what can happen when the boat is in trouble came back to me. I could ride it out in the boat, going through the dam and risk getting either trapped under the boat or the boat flipping and knocking me unconscious - or jumping for it and taking my chances as far away from the boat as I can. Taking stock of how fast the current was moving and weighting the best of poor options, I jumped out from the stern to let the current carry the boat away from me. I can remember the current pulling me under, and having a moment like you hear about in an avalanche when you can't quite recall what way is "up". Keeping that in mind I stopped fighting the current, hoping that being still, I could rise to the surface and save my strength to then fight my way to shore. IF my breath held out that long.

Coming right to the edge of drowning is an odd experience. I kept waiting for that moment they talk about when your life is supposed to flash before your eyes. Nada. I was kind of disappointed about that. But what I did feel was a sort of detached calm, when there is nothing that you can do about the situation at hand except to ride it out. Whatever happens, happens. I knew there was a very good chance that this was when I could die. I had always thought that when I was confronted with that, I be terrified but strangely I wasn't. I had this odd feeling like I wasn't alone and everything was very peaceful almost. And I remember it being extremely quiet there under the water, more quiet that I think I've ever experienced. That's the only way I can describe it. Now look...I know that there was nothing to it except a frightening and traumatic moment. But there are instances in your life where you can really convince yourself of just about anything. I plead the fact that I was 19 and teenagers are stupid and don't know it yet. Plus we think the world pretty much revolves around us anyway, as we haven't really experienced the world outside of high school yet. So, when I tell you that the moment that I broke the surface of the water, emotionally and physically exhausted and used whatever energy I had left to swim to shore...and when I got there shaking and probably in mild shock, what I felt was another thing that you hear about from fluffy, new-agey religious types. That I had been spared by *something* and for a reason. Having been taught from an early age, the usual "we are all here for a purpose/we're all special to the creator" arrogance in years of church-going indoctrination when I was a child, I thought that I had better find that "missing" religious piece in my life that everyone tells you that you are supposed to have.

A few days after my boating incident, I was in a bookstore on the main street. Naturally I went by the "Religion and Spirituality" section, one that I had likely never even looked at before. Aside from the usual books from Christian crackpots and psychic nonsense, I found a small book of the type I'd never paid attention to before. It was called "Paganism: A Beginners Guide" by Teresa Moorey. It was a small and concise book and I have to say, it tapped into everything that I had been feeling for a while. It talked about the earth-centered faiths, describing everything from witchcraft to druidism to Celtic paganism. Having just recently started tracing my genealogy it also hit me a little bit culturally. Granted, I've never traced my family tree far enough back to find some renegade pagan worshiping the ancient Celtic gods under a full moon but I always rather held to a hope that I would find those recorded links that traced back to my various Clans in the Isles. I immersed myself for a while in comfortable mythology, read tarot and allowed myself to believe in those times when the universe would "speak" to me.

And then one day...Richard Dawkins entered my life and proceeded to turn my life and world viewpoint all topsy-turvy. I must admit to a little trepidation when I first bought "The God Delusion". That was the book that made my jaw hit the floor. So beautiful and powerfully written prose that really made me really re-examine everything that I thought. It's been a gradual process since I first read that book. Professor Dawkins started this whole chain reaction for me. He led me to read "God Is Not Great" by Christopher Hitchens, and then later to discover Neil deGrasse Tyson whose revamp of "Cosmos" blew me away. With NDT now in my life, I was led down the rabbit hole of physics and astrophysics and realized just how interesting science could be. I'm not that sure that when I was in high school I actually knew that physicists were a thing. Physics was that thing that nerds took with all the Greek letters in equations .... like they actually meant something. Guys with taped glasses and pocket protectors (hey, it was the 80s and we all though math geeks looked like "Revenge of the Nerds"). I can honestly say that I had NEVER seen, or thought there could be, a scientist that looked like Dr. Tyson. Got to say, he's a great spokesperson if you want to get women to pay attention to science.

I'm on YouTube one day, watching NDT lectures when this panel discussion comes up in a search from some place called ASU. Turns out to be Arizona State University from something called The Origins Project. It's titled "The Storytelling of Science" and it was the greatest thing that I think I have ever seen. It had all of these people that I had heard names mentioned but had never really paid attention to, until that moment. I was *hooked*. The panel consisted of Tracy Day, Brian Greene, Ira Flatow, Lawrence Krauss, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Bill Nye, Richard Dawkins and Neil Stephenson. They each told science stories and had a Q&A that has to be seen to be believed. It was fascinating and fun...and left me wanting more! Who were these people?? Of course, I knew of NDT and Bill Nye (even though I was too old for his children's show when it was on the air, I could still sing that theme song.) YouTube became my best friend as I scoured it, watching NOVA specials with Brian Greene, listening to his crazy string theory talk. And then on to lectures by Lawrence Krauss, who I discovered was the director of the Origins Project at ASU. Both of them blew my mind in totally different ways. I have to talk about that just a little because this ASU panel was led me down the garden path to where I am right now. Completely obsessed with science like I have never been in my life. And on the cusp of making an admission that I never thought I would.

Brian Greene is the only person I have ever encountered that makes me want to be better at math. He talks about math in a way that I have never, ever heard. Math is usually something that makes people's eyes glaze over and roll towards the ceiling. Or makes them shudder in horror. If I had ever had a teacher in my life that had even a tiny bit of the passion and enthusiasm for the subject that Brian does, someone who explained all of these weird and complex things in math and science the way that he does - I might have actually paid attention in math class and applied myself to it instead of plotting ways to ditch class as much as possible. He is also simultaneously the only person that can make me wish I had taken physics in high school while at the same time making me realize WHY I didn't take physics in high school! He's brilliant (and totally adorable)...and he makes me want to know about things that I didn't even realize existed! He could very easily be a cult leader. He just turn on that charm and does that boyish smile thing while he's teaching about some weird fact in special relativity and the next thing you know, here I am, mote than 25 years out of high school and going back to relearn the math skill I brushed off back then. Why? Because Brian Greene is encouraging people taking his online class on Einstein to try the math portion. And I am apparently easily lead to the "dark side". Seeing Brian in this amazing panel discussion led me to a conversation that he'd had as part of the Origins Project with a person that was about t, not only lead me further down that garden path of science (specifically finding physics interesting, of all things) but also a more unexpected path. The road less traveled, shall we say.

Having spoken of the dark side, what can I say about Lawrence Krauss? Fitting that he and Richard Dawkins are friends as Professor Dawkins started this whole thing in the first place. But where he started this, Professor Krauss really drove the nail in the coffin. Full disclosure - there's a slight possibility that I have a little crush on the good professor. He's handsome, brilliant and incredibly funny (and really, that's all it takes for me. Just so you know.) I love his books and his lectures but the first time I saw him debate a religious nutcase, that did it. I've heard the phrase "delightful curmudgeon" used and upon occasion, it does apply to him. How someone can walk the line between being funny, charming and insulting all at the same time is remarkable. Actually, Christopher Hitchens had that quality as well (someone else that Dr. Krauss was friends with, he keeps excellent company). And LK is nothing if not prolific on the internet with his apparent quest to annihilate religious dogma in favour of a rational scientific view, and he does it extremely well. He and RD both coming from different areas of science, teaming up to bring this wonderful knowledge and worldview to the public - resulting in a brilliant movie called "The Unbelievers". Well, there was really no point in denying the obvious anymore. Though self-denial and actual vocal admittance are two very separate things.

But now this little secret that I had kept for a very long time was being made just that much easier to come out and admit. What a little song first sparked interest in and Richard Dawkins first fueled....Lawrence Krauss finally ignited seriously for me. And Richard's Foundation for Reason and Science made it clear just how many people have given up on the long-held religious traditions and dogma. It seems apropos that the 2nd Reason Rally is happening this year as I "come out of the closet" and put into words that it still feels a little odd to put down as truth. But they are truth. So I rise to the challenge put forth by the RDRFS to "Tell Your Story. Speak Your Truth." and admit that I am indeed...

An Atheist. (Such an odd thing to see typed out in my blog but there it is. And I can firmly put the fault onto Richard Dawkins and Lawrence Krauss, of which I'm sure they are both quite happy to take responsibility for.)

There you have it. It's never too late in life to learn new things about yourself and the world around you, never too late in life to discover new passions and to put them out there for the world (or whoever the hell reads this, if anyone). If you actually managed to read the entire thing....feel free to go about your life now. Show's over. :-)

Innerspace....

As I often "joke" among friends, Orillia isn't the sticks but you can see them from here. Standard conversation around here goes something like this. "You going to the bar tonight?" "Naw man, going to the liquor store and getting drunk at home. You?" "I'm gonna predrink a little at home and then go out and get hammered at the bar later."

So, having a conversation about...almost anything...generally only gets me blank stares. From cool indie music to books to science stuff, I have pretty much absolutely nothing in common with just about anyone in the entire city. We're talking about a place where music consists pretty much of Nickelback and Gordon Lightfoot (and that's only because Gord's from here). And talking science? Yeah, not so much. This is a town of retirees and fairly Presbyterian with more than it's share of young earthers. In fact, inspired by Lawrence Krauss, I have taken to wearing my tshirt with the Neil deGrasse Tyson quote on the bus to see if I can start arguments.

"The best thing about science is that it's true, whether or not you believe in it"

But after having taken a rather long Twitter hiatus, I came back and discovered this massive community of not only scientists...but fellow science nerds! And The Young Turks! The TYT Army! Not to mention MOOCs from organizations like Coursera and EdX...and science courses on World Science U. Suddenly I could indulge all my passions online with other people who agreed with me (and have hour long arguments with those who don't) and take classes with really smart people on topics that really interest me (even a few that I only grasped part of, lol) with professors from universities all over the world!! I also found that really handsome scientists would occasionally read my tweets and respond ... what can I say, once a groupie, always a groupie. ;-) Plus, occasionally, one of my Twitter fights ends up on YouTube being mentioned by a comic with his own rather well followed show. "Oh look, new clip! Aaaaannnd, why is my twitter feed on the screen behind him right now?"

Basically, this is just a little random bit tonight about how awesome the internet is. And how stoked I was tonight being called out both with a comment on The Young Turks AND having Lawrence Krauss use my question in the Q&A of his Einstein Origins panel. Now I'm going to read some Hitchens. There's another post coming up this weekend about super exciting plans!! Too tired to write it tonight though. Stay tuned!!

Getting To Know You...

I am hoping that now that I've done a refresh on this blog, I will now keep it going better than it has in the past. Perhaps with the new year past on Samhain I'll endeavor to do better! Readership from the past, small as it was has likely moved on from the days when I relocated here from LiveJournal. Ah, the 90's. ;-) So, in the interest of potential new readership I will introduce myself.

Hello new reader...I'm Leanne. Please to meet you. As you can see from my profile I'm a left-wing Canadian socialist-type from Ontario, Canada. As the saying goes, I don't live in the sticks but you can see them from here, lol. I'm also a Pagan-Atheist - meaning that I hold the natural world as sacred and spiritual but not any sort of personal deity. I do find beauty in the literature of mythology but that's about as far as that goes. I have an interest in various aspects of politics varying from food security and preservation of local/native food sources, the advocacy of science literacy and the promotion of the local arts and culture scene. Nearly everyone that I am friends with is a musician of sorts. Explains why I'm still single...

What else? Graduated high school (by some sort of fluke as I rarely actually attended) in 1989. The 80s were fairly awesome, between the summer I followed Glass Tiger around Ontario to seeing David Bowie in concert at the old CNE bandstand, there was a hell of a lot of music happening. Truth be told, I was a bit of a flake in high school/college. But then, so were the majority of people I went to school with. It was the 80s....we were pretty self-involved. The whole decade was pretty much all about music, weird clothes and The Brat Pack.

I'm also a massive bookworm and I always have been. I think that people who don't love to read are mentally unbalanced. Last year I had to do a book purge as I likely had enough books to start my own library. I took six plastic containers to the used bookstore with everything from a bunch of sci-fi/fantasy that I used to read in high school (like pretty much all of David Eddings books and the entire Dragons of Pern series) to books based on TV shows like Buffy and Queer Eye For the Straight Guy. Now I am building up my book collection again with things that are my new interests and my bookcase is once again bulging at the seams. Good thing I have another one to put together once I finish redoing the basement because I am shortly going to need the space. There is nothing that makes my day more complete than settling down before bed with a good book, a cup of tea and some nice classical music. Yes, I'm old. Be quiet. :)

Orillia has, well, a shallow gene pool. I've got a portion of my ancestry that has been here pretty much since there has been a city. Stimulating conversation is not something that happens frequently. So as a result, I don't tend to date much. Or at all really. The only hobby most people have here is getting drunk. And that is basically all they talk about - getting drunk, having been drunk and plans to get drunk in the future. And since I drink very, very infrequently it does not hold much appeal. Plus, most people here have really lousy taste in music and are not the most literate people I have every had the occasion to have a words with. It's a fairly Presbyterian place with more than our share of young-earthers which makes me borderline *insane*. I enjoy men who are passionate about something and that I can actually carry on an intelligent conversation about something of interest. And no, sports does NOT count.

I have recently become increasingly enamoured of various science topics and the rather dashing and charming men who are out there crusading for science literacy. Yes, nerd-crushes. Why the hell not? Smart, handsome, passionate and excessively well-spoken scientists. Hell yeah....sign me up!

First - The man whom I hold responsible almost entirely for my current fascination for all things science. Granted, I remember Carl Sagan a bit but I was only like 9 or 10 when the originally Cosmos aired and I did not have control over the remote control back then. But when Neil deGrasse Tyson entered the scene, that got my attention. Are you kidding, how could he not??? Look at him! You should not be allowed to look like that, be built like a football player *and* be that smart and articulate. He is the director of the Hayden Planetarium in NYC and hosts the show StarTalk on both radio and TV. Not to mention the reboot he did of the original Cosmos. And he's friends with Bill Nye The Science Guy. Enough said.

Next we have Brian Greene

He's a professor of physics and mathematics at Columbia University and has just started a learning platform called World Science U that I mentioned in a previous post. The only man who could actually make me want to learn math. In my entire life, there is no one who could EVER make me willingly want to learn math. But then along comes Mr. Boyishly Handsome and suddenly...there's me with a pen, paper and a calculator. Dammit. He also co-founded The World Science Festival that I'm attending in June when I go to NYC. He is also co-director of the Columbia's Institute for Strings, Cosmology, and Astroparticle Physics where he specializes in superstring theory.

Next could conceivably be one of my favourite people on the planet. Sexy, smart, hilariously funny, charming in his own unique way and to call him passionate about science would likely be an understatement. Lawrence M. Krauss was born in NYC but grew up in Canada before moving back to the States where he is currently at Arizona State University as Foundation Professor in the School of Earth and Space Exploration and Physics Department as well as the director of the Origins Project. He's got more awards, recognitions, published works and books than I could even begin to put in a blog post (don't be lazy, go look them up...he's *everywhere*). I have enjoyed his rather rambunctious friendship with Richard Dawkins that has even been documented in a movie called "The Unbelievers" where they are attempting to promote science literacy and demonstrate that organized religion is ridiculous in the process. Sometimes by being funny and charming, occasionally by telling people what they believe is idiocy and once in a while, by being a delightfully and moderately cranky curmudgeon (usually that is saved for a particular religious moron that will not be named here).

Lastly, I have to give a shout out to his partner-in-crime Richard Dawkins. Brilliant British ethologist and evolutionary biologist, an emeritus fellow of New College, Oxford and was the University of Oxford's Professor for Public Understanding of Science from 1995 until 2008. He has written acres of books although his best known are probably "The God Delusion" and "The Selfish Gene". Likely, one of the best known atheists around (aside from the late Christopher Hitchens), he has founded the Richard Dawkins Foundation for Reason and Science. And he's awesome. :)

And on that note, I will wrap this up for now. Lots more to come as I strive to be a better blogger as we rapidly approach 2016 and the new adventures, and the regular everyday life, that awaits. And I leave you with a bit of my photography, both taken at Couchiching Beach Park at sunset a while back.

Later taters,

~~ L.

Renew and Reset

If it should come to pass that anyone is actually still reading my blog after all the years I've been on Blogger....you will notice that the archive has been removed. In place of setting up a whole new blog, I've decided to clear it out. Over the last few years my view on the world has gradually been altering, though I have not really expressed it much on here. Here. it's been mostly just the same sort of thing that I used to post about back in the LiveJournal days. Fine for what it was, some of the stuff about the trips was fun but it's time to start anew.

I've left up the last couple of entries from this year, starting with losing one of our Toronto crew and her memorial. But going forward now, I'll be posting about the new things that have entered my life - new music, sexy and brilliant scientists, new friends and new adventures. We'll talk crazy politics, new organizations that I've gotten involved in and the general nuttiness that is life.

Much more to come...stay tuned.

“There is something pagan in me that I cannot shake off. In short, I deny nothing, but doubt everything.” -- Lord Byron

A word from the geekdom

Seriously, how the hell does Brian Greene make MATH look like fun??? All he has to do is look into that camera, put on that smile and suddenly...here I am with a pencil in hand doing equations again. We'll see what kind of a grasp I have on this business as we go along in finishing the Special Relativity course on World Science U. I also need to squeeze in some time for Climate Change and Public Health on the Coursera platform. Plus, I just picked up the new book by Bill Nye and an older one of Lawrence Krauss' called "Fear of Physics: A Guide for the Perplexed" which I cannot wait to dive into.

The book list on the blog has been completely updated and revamped in its current home as a Google doc as it looks like the old pitas.com site is never going to come back online. So, no more playing with the html over there. :( I have to tackle the full updates on the music and movie pages yet but they are a way bigger task (especially since the vinyl has been growing). I'll have to work away on that after the holiday rush is over.

Oh!! I've decided that I am FINALLY going back to NYC on vaca next year because....I want to go the World Science Festival!! This time for *sure* I am hitting the American Museum of Natural History and the Hayden Planetarium. I really, really want to see the Dark Universe show there. It's gonna be a nerd-fest and I can't wait!!

Enough math for one night...time for a hot bath and to crack open a brand new book!

Picking up the threads

So, I've been neglecting the blog as of late and it occurs to me that I have not been using it to discuss all of my interests. I will endeavor to correct that with upcoming posts. I have also been lax about titling the posts which is silly as I never had that issue when I had the Queen's Musick blog (sad that it has vanished). And how is it that my other blogger account is gone when my LiveJournal account is still active?!?!

But, as usual, I digress. :)

Those who know me know that I have a long-standing science crush on Neil deGrasse Tyson. Who doesn't?? However...Dr. Tyson has recently been getting some competition in that area. I've known about Brian Greene for a while now from various panel discussions I've seen with Lawrence M. Krauss and the Origins Initiative. But I never had a true appreciation for him and not only his wonderful teaching method but his unexpected sense of humour until lately. It's been creeping up on me since the "Storytelling of Science" panel and later when I saw the clip of StarTalk live with Neil and Brian reenacting a scene from "Gravity" to explain a rather large mistake in the ending. Then, a couple of months ago, I signed up with his site World Science U for his course on Special Relativity. I did the conceptual part, got the certificate and potentially wrapped my brain around the whole weird idea that comes with it. And now? I'm doing the math portion.

I do not do complex math for just anyone. But there's Brian with his whole, "I hope you will at least try the math version of the course" business. Have I mentioned that he's handsome and has a really nice smile? Yeah, fine. So here I am doing equations. Well, he's doing equations and I am attempting to wrap my brain around math that's more difficult to understand than the special relativity is. I am struck with both the wish that I had taken physics in high school and remembering WHY I did not take physics in high school.

But, I persevere and will eventually come to understand this whole thing...at least a little bit.

Saying Goodbye

So, this week we gathered to say final goodbyes and to celebrate the life of my friend Saburah. She was the strongest person I've ever known and if you have ever met her, you know this to be true. She was fun and crazy...man, we've had some fun. She never talked about her health and I never asked. She was just Saburah, who was always on the go and never let anything get in her way. I met her first online, part of the Moxy Fruvous (Fruhead) community. In person for the first time in Toronto when Dave Matheson from the band was playing a solo gig for his album back in 2001. We loved the same music and later on, would get together for good food at various Winter/Summerlicious events. (I always know the places to eat, lol). Even when we didn't make plans to get together, somehow I would always run into her on the street. I'd be coming or going from the hostel on Church Street....and there's Saburah. Everytime we'd manage to get together for coffee or something while I was in the city, even if it was just before the bus left.

I remember so many things. All the time we bugged Dave (he loved it, don't kid yourself), all The Supers shows we went to, being part of Swinghammer's Bitches (we really should have made tshirts), the emotional night we had when they closed down Nia...but most of all, I remember that GBS show not that long ago. We planned it for *weeks*. Saburah knew we would all get up front due to her mobility scooter so we plotted what we could do to hassle Murray who had just started playing bass in the band. Rumour had it of some good-natured hassling by the band so we thought we would contribute. She had thought of making tshirts and we talked about it and came up with going to the running Murray joke of "Way to go Murray!" shirts. I had mentioned something for the back and together we went with "Bass and Whistle Tour '97". Reactions on stage were priceless with me, Sab and Drea all decked out. (Afterwards, Drea and I got a little more use out of them by going to see Tory Cassis at the Reservoir Lounge. He's a good friend of Murray's and was grinning when he walked over. We told him about the show and got a "you went wearing those?!?" reaction. We told him Saburah had them made and he was less than surprised, lol.)

It was a beautiful service at the Spiral Garden, a place she had a significant attachment to. I caught up with a friend that I haven't seen in years and it sucks that it sometimes takes an event like this to bring you back in touch with people. So many lovely and emotional words were spoken by her family and those who knew her, especially when she was younger. I was so incredibly touched that Murray and Mike from the band came to the service. If it were not for them, she would never have been part of my life. Post-Fruvous their projects were a lot of the events that she and I would go to and talk about. She adored both of them so much and the fact that they cared enough to come and say goodbye to her, says everything about the person she was and the type of men that they are. So worthy of their dedicated (and possibly slightly crazy) followings. There was a lot of music at the service which was fitting and the guys sang a tune which she would have loved. She touched so many people in her short time with us.

After the service, I talked to Murray and Mike. Mur was his usual steadfast self but I could tell that Mike was a little teary. So was I. I mentioned that this would have been a moment where Saburah and I would have gone for coffee. Not sure how to deal with my now loose ends in Toronto. Just seemed....sort of empty knowing there are no more coffee dates and no more Winterlicious lunches with my friend.

I headed out to get back around the bus depot area and to do some contemplating. I swung by where Nia used to be and thought about all the fun we had there. Went by some of our usual Queen Street spots just feeling a little down and finally decided to get some dinner before I had to get on the bus. So I headed down to Yonge and Dundas. I had totally forgotten it was Buskerfest. I was struck by how appropriate it was since it was a band of buskers that brought Sab into my life in the first place. This could not possibly have been more apropos. I can across this awesome group called The Love Orchestra and their "vehicle", The Zeus Mobile. They were crazy and awesome with a kind of junkmobile meets middle eastern music meets hippy theatre...and Saburah would have thought they were cool I think. It was the most wonderful and mood-changing experience (I could have spent the entire day right there in that spot). They turned my entire day around and I of course put a bill in the tip tin. The wacky singer bowed and thanked me. I thanked her in return. She has no idea what a blessing their music was for me tonight.

I am so blessed with amazing friendships in my life. And I, like most, do not tell them often enough how much their friendship and the goofy things that we have done, have meant to me. Everyone of them has a special moment in my heart.

Blessed Be.